all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
