Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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