no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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