You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize