Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
