My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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