God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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