My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
