i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
