i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
