People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
