My Higher Power is John Stamos
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Houston, we have a blender
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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