I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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