i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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