im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
