she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My bed smells like the plague
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
