Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
