You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
