Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
