I'm eating all of the evidence.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
