I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
