LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
