thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just want nice things and good sex
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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