why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
