How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
