Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
