Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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