Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
