So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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