There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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