theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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