She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize