brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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