He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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