So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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