I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
