i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
