On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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