i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
