the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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