i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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