so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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