were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
