You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize