2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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