One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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