her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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