The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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