i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
