I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
