I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
