theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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