Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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