It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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