If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When are your genitals available?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
