Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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