I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
